May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically recognized for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely from place. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have another area wherever American men can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: offer you All people a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he should cease working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the project, replied, "You already know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping forms a giant Trump head seen from Area, a aspect being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Options


Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is already attracting awareness from international buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up Trump Tower Damascus about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge where by my PTSD might have switch-down assistance."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

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